To hold one's newborn child is one of the most awe inspiring moments in a person's life. What a miraculous gift from God. Especially if that child was longed for...it's the beginning of a lifelong relationship involving an exchange of love. It's also a relationship which involves a constant "reaching out and releasing".
Having my own nuclear family was one of the greatest blessings of my life. I did not have an especially easy childhood. I was thrilled at the opportunity to create something different for myself, with my husband and my 2 children. We enjoyed so many moments .....we loved the outdoors, craft projects, trips to the beach, our dog. I was fortunate to have the opportunity for part time work for a couple of small businesses the entire time my kids were in preschool and elementary school. My kids could even come to work with me if necessary....We weren't rich, but we had everything we needed, and then some. Especially rich in the love area.
Time marches on, as it has a way of doing. I totally embrace the idea that our children are on loan to us as a gift from God, and it's as it should be that they will go off and live their own lives. That's the release part.
As young adults, our kids naturally want to do things their own way. It's a bonus if they want to spend time with us...that's the reaching out part.
But, somehow something has gone horribly wrong. A teenager starts making bad choices, and just continues on and on. There's a hint of trouble, arguments, hanging out with the wrong crowd, maybe they are experimenting with drinking or smoking weed. They go off to college, end up on academic probation. A car wreck, a ticket, an accident. Pills are discovered in the vehicle. It's not clear who they really belong to, but your kid takes the rap. Gets probation. Gets kicked out of college. You love your child, you reach out and let your child come home. More arguments, more trouble. Time passes. Your child is disrupting the whole household. Has trouble keeping a job. Suspicion about your child's honesty....you can't be sure, but you thought you had $40 in your wallet yesterday, and now you only have $10? It's time to release your child, your adult child. You sadly release the child from the nest, but hold him in your heart, hoping for the best, but fearing the worst.
It becomes a dance between you and this child. You still love the child, who has become more and more unloveable. The child makes so many bad decisions. The child vacillates between talking of unhappiness and defiantly insisting you are the one with the problem. Eventually, this child can really no longer be considered a child.
My mother's heart wants to reach out and help this child. I offer to help with laundry, provide food, come over to the house, offer and provide transportation...half the time the offers are ignored. My child's living conditions are unsettled, to say the least. My child has a great many legal problems. My child is not truthful. If I loan my child money, I am not going to get the money back. I am torn between wanting to be with my child, and feeling uneasy, angry, and almost frightened. After a period of not being allowed into my child's apartment, my child reaches out and wants me to come over. My child is sick, tired, vomiting. The roommates have moved on. My child is alone. My child has so few options. I cannot bear to be in the trash strewn apartment, and I am afraid of what I might find there. I want to clean it, but I am physically limited because of my health.My child does not want me looking through his things. I want to reach out...what would Jesus do? He regularly went to be with the sinners. What kind of a hypocrite am I that I can't be ok with this?
So the dance continues. I try to be available for my child. I reach out on almost a daily basis. But it is so hard to be around the adult who is still my child, who is making the bad choices. The liar. The manipulator. The addict. I have had to move on with my life. I can't put my life on hold for a person who does not want to change. I reach out, but with conditions.Which I feel guilty to have. But I cannot accept the unacceptable. I had to begin to see that my "helping" is holding the child back, much as the caterpillar who is "helped" out of the cocoon goes on to die as a butterfly because the wings are weak. So I release this child of mine, and trust that God is there to hold him.
Having my own nuclear family was one of the greatest blessings of my life. I did not have an especially easy childhood. I was thrilled at the opportunity to create something different for myself, with my husband and my 2 children. We enjoyed so many moments .....we loved the outdoors, craft projects, trips to the beach, our dog. I was fortunate to have the opportunity for part time work for a couple of small businesses the entire time my kids were in preschool and elementary school. My kids could even come to work with me if necessary....We weren't rich, but we had everything we needed, and then some. Especially rich in the love area.
Time marches on, as it has a way of doing. I totally embrace the idea that our children are on loan to us as a gift from God, and it's as it should be that they will go off and live their own lives. That's the release part.
As young adults, our kids naturally want to do things their own way. It's a bonus if they want to spend time with us...that's the reaching out part.
But, somehow something has gone horribly wrong. A teenager starts making bad choices, and just continues on and on. There's a hint of trouble, arguments, hanging out with the wrong crowd, maybe they are experimenting with drinking or smoking weed. They go off to college, end up on academic probation. A car wreck, a ticket, an accident. Pills are discovered in the vehicle. It's not clear who they really belong to, but your kid takes the rap. Gets probation. Gets kicked out of college. You love your child, you reach out and let your child come home. More arguments, more trouble. Time passes. Your child is disrupting the whole household. Has trouble keeping a job. Suspicion about your child's honesty....you can't be sure, but you thought you had $40 in your wallet yesterday, and now you only have $10? It's time to release your child, your adult child. You sadly release the child from the nest, but hold him in your heart, hoping for the best, but fearing the worst.
It becomes a dance between you and this child. You still love the child, who has become more and more unloveable. The child makes so many bad decisions. The child vacillates between talking of unhappiness and defiantly insisting you are the one with the problem. Eventually, this child can really no longer be considered a child.
My mother's heart wants to reach out and help this child. I offer to help with laundry, provide food, come over to the house, offer and provide transportation...half the time the offers are ignored. My child's living conditions are unsettled, to say the least. My child has a great many legal problems. My child is not truthful. If I loan my child money, I am not going to get the money back. I am torn between wanting to be with my child, and feeling uneasy, angry, and almost frightened. After a period of not being allowed into my child's apartment, my child reaches out and wants me to come over. My child is sick, tired, vomiting. The roommates have moved on. My child is alone. My child has so few options. I cannot bear to be in the trash strewn apartment, and I am afraid of what I might find there. I want to clean it, but I am physically limited because of my health.My child does not want me looking through his things. I want to reach out...what would Jesus do? He regularly went to be with the sinners. What kind of a hypocrite am I that I can't be ok with this?
So the dance continues. I try to be available for my child. I reach out on almost a daily basis. But it is so hard to be around the adult who is still my child, who is making the bad choices. The liar. The manipulator. The addict. I have had to move on with my life. I can't put my life on hold for a person who does not want to change. I reach out, but with conditions.Which I feel guilty to have. But I cannot accept the unacceptable. I had to begin to see that my "helping" is holding the child back, much as the caterpillar who is "helped" out of the cocoon goes on to die as a butterfly because the wings are weak. So I release this child of mine, and trust that God is there to hold him.